Personal

Maybe, it was self-inflicted. Maybe, I shouldn’t confess at all?

But there’s always this barrier between us, and I am the kind that loves open and honest relationships. That giant elephant in the room will always be there. I am the kind who likes to point out “hey, there’s a giant elephant there. What are we going to do about it?”

Because sometimes the other person wants to talk about it too.

Both want to say their part, share what they feel and think.

The problem comes in choosing the right and kindest words.
The problem comes in making our points across.
The problem comes in having to accept what we hear.

Because words, could cut deeper than knives. Words, will always stay with you.

And maybe both didn’t handle it quite well. The emotional me took over last month. I was shaken and terrified at how much it could hurt me more. So I decided to be firm, saying I should confess.

I am sorry if it hurts you and makes you angry or making you pissed off.

Truth is, this has hurt me longer, longer than it should. Unintentionally, you have hurt me by your status. And to be honest, it does takes a lot of courage for me to write and click a SEND. Seeing how we have never known each other quite well, except what you read from my blog.

I never hated you.You’ve been kind to me, in the one year that we have been talking after my IB. But for now, I am still asking for strength to forget anything you-related. I always tried to put it aside. Truth is, that moment has cut me so deep. And truth is, my feelings is not a joke and that e-mail is sincere deep from my heart. That’s why it hurts when you said “ingatkan confession ni zaman sekolah rendah je.”

But it’s not your fault. You never knew that side of me that is insecure. I never thought much about this thing, until that moment happened. And I always feel small, compared to her (whoever wins your heart)

But I always remind myself, everyone has been allocated their rezeki or jodoh by Him.

——

I found myself lost yesterday. I couldn’t relate this back to Him. To me, this is quite petty and could be prevented, and I should not feel hurt about this. To me, it is easier to go to Him when I lose someone, fail at something, when the reasons are more legit rather than what happened yesterday. When I am in the process of purification of the heart, and it hurts to stay strong and patient at times. With that kind of pain, I know who to turn to; Allah the Almighty. And I know that’s a legit reason to turn to Him.

But then I realized, I felt far from You when this happened because I could not relate this back to You. Relating everything back to You has always kept me calm and grounded. Relating everything back to You reminds me that there’s a big lesson You want me to learn. And I honestly, I couldn’t find the reasons for this to happen.

I was so far from You that when dear friends included You in the conversations asking me to stay strong, I felt angry and annoyed. Angry and annoyed because I couldn’t see past anything, I couldn’t see You.

The greatest wonder is relating everything back to You.

And I’m finding my way back to You. I am calmer today. You test me with a lot of things; things that are closest to my heart. No matter how small it may seem to appear, it has hurt me. And I am embarrassed to turn to You because it may even be self-inflicted; I caused myself to hurt.

Now, how do I relate this back to You when it is self-inflicted, when it is petty, when it should not even happened in the first place?

How, when I am on the verge of hating my own guts?

I had to remind myself of Your mercy; if I lose hope in Your mercy, what am I, flawed as I am, going to depend on to get through the day?

Reflecting upon everything that happened, the biggest lesson I learnt is, no matter what I do, what I see, what happens, I have to relate everything back to Him. As petty as some things are, when it hurts, it hurts. Maybe Allah wants to see how am I going to handle self-inflicted pain. Am I going to depend on myself or on Him to pick myself back up? Am I going to lose hope when I couldn’t pick myself back up?

    “Losing hope when a slippage occurs is a sign of relying too much on one’s own deeds.” – Ibn Ataillah


Astaghfirullah.

And all I am asking for is strength. Strength to forgive and forget, strength to hold on to You no matter what happens, strength to trust You with everything, strength to overcome the emotional side of me, strength to accept everything with an open heart, strength to let go of things that hurt me, strength to relate everything back to You, strength to stay patient with own self when she is about to give up on herself, strength to have a clearer mind, strength to have You in my heart, strength to see the good in everyone, strength to be a better Muslim.

Maybe this is a test to see who do I rely on; myself or You. Because no matter what happens, strength comes from You. No matter how petty things are, only You could help my heart sees clearly and verily, everything comes from You.